Would You Hire You?

I'm creating a new keynote, and I am pretty sure that this will be popular.

I want it to be funny, filled with stories and make everyone question if they should be "Employee of the Month."

So, what do people do at your office that you would like to fire them for? (Only you can't because you aren't the boss, don't have that authority, or it would cause a law suit!). I am looking for funny situations, as well as real examples.

Would you hire you? What do you do that makes you special, and what do you not want your company to find out?

And, lets say you are hiring someone for your company. What would you be looking for? What would the perfect employee bring?